The Chaotic-Neutron

When I started this blog/site, I intended it to be a lot more than just personal updates. Of course, constraints on time have reduced me to doing just the opposite. And so to keep myself and my infrequent readers in the same page, I give you yet another personal update and a rant. I promise you that this will be the last in a series that have been unavoidable.

The last few weeks have gone by so fast and thinking back, I can see why. Lot of good things have happened the past month. I have officially graduated, have made progress on at least 2 journal and a conference paper and also successfully moved to Chicago without any major glitches. And that is leaving out all the juicy gory details leading to it. Time has lost its sense these days and I seem to be dreaming while I’m awake and sleeping when I’m not supposed to. Few more days of such revelry left before I start my job officially. And the impending urgency to get a car and the necessary paper work that goes with it only hastens the need for a damn license.

Enough thoughts forebearing, future unseen
Sneaks up and binds unsuspected.
In plain view the answer to my riddles,
Wilfully I keep searching incessantly.
And a simplical surd evolves. Just like that.

Amongst many weaknesses in my short life, my obsession in music is still unsurpassed. I’d give up everything in my mind except the music because that is the only good thing that keeps me sane during the oddities and the twists that life throws at me. Good music elates, excites and brings out the best of moods in me. And I unwittingly do fall in love with the musician responsible for the beautiful feeling. The infactuation is even more appealing when the creator is pretty too.

That is just intense and heavenly. Makes me want to learn piano more than ever. Comes very close to my love for guitar and Satriani. May be, when I start working in Chicago, I’ll have enough time and resource to learn both properly… And again, time decides. What an endless cycle …

Yes. I am candid. And I feel obligated to post so that whoever feels desperate to know me, can understand. I figure, someone should…

Anyway, life has thrown me quite a few bumps along the past years but finally, its about time I reached my final destination. And a PhD just about defines it. Numerous has been the toil and endless the all-nighters but the prize, the reward is fulfilling. And its within a month’s grasp. On August 13th, I shall graduate officially with a PhD in Nuclear engineering with a job offer in hand. More on that later though.

I spent close to 3 months at home and it is hard to imagine a more appropriate time for that break. Am pretty sure that it will be hard to come by once I start my professional career but travel I hope will still drive me to take my mind off the beauty of math.

Lots more to say but it’ll just be wasted space… Maybe when I’m old enough, and can remember the good things, I might jot them down…

Tired and in bad need of more sleep, I was looking for quotes on numerical analysis and mathematical modeling for one of the main chapters in my Dissertation. Of course, everything I came across did not sound anywhere near perfect and so my search continues…

But, along the way, I stumbled upon another Dilbert gem. It’s on lateral thinking. I guess I’m so programmed these days to solving mathematical problems that as soon as I read the second cartoon, without even a forced thought, I’d already solved the puzzle in my mind. Then I read the next one and could not stop smirking for 10 mins. Literally.

I guess, I do need to loosen up a little. Even my marathons had some slow paced intervals. Only another week to go to D-day. And I’m not sure what will drive me this intensely, next …

I was watching Colbert Report yesterday and he nailed the ‘Word of the day’ segment, targeting on the recent Christmas day bombing attack in Detroit. Here’s the video.

Colbert Report – January 5, 2010

If you are interested in getting to what I’ve got to say here, just move to 3.0 mins in to the video for “Night of terror: The crapification of American pant-scape”. Five minutes of that segment parodies on the recent reactions to the terror attack and what newscasters suggest we do to prevent further attacks.

Given that everyone here is scared even more because of the recent incident, the outcome of it in the news is just plainly retarded. I’ve watched enough segments lately about it but ‘Racial profiling’, ‘Religious targeting’ and plain disregard for rights in a country that hails itself as the greatest democratic nation seems much, to achieve what is necessary. My comments primarily stems from the fact that for 9 years since 9/11, Americans have been able to suppress any attack from bearing fruition and if anything, the recent incident is just a reminder that it took the terrorists this long to come back with a decent plan to break through the defenses.

The job is always easier for the attacker, whatever the cause, immaterial of the perspective since there is only one motive he needs to achieve. The preparation and tactics necessary to stop them is immense and it is important to keep the focus on what’s relevant and not to start waging wars on random nations again. Starting wars only makes America more of a pariah even if they can come up with thousand reasons to back it up. I abhor Gandhi’s non-violence movement and would have really liked to have given the British what they deserved for terrorizing the Indians with hundreds of years of oppression but my vision is clouded and for reasons I cannot understand, Ahimsa did work. May be a different approach might serve this nation better in the future. Of course, no one gives a shit about my opinion but this is just one man’s thought on a world in chaos.

I think it is apt to end my thought with a quote:

“Fighting terrorism is like being a goalkeeper. You can make a hundred brilliant saves but the only shot that people remember is the one that gets past you.”
- Paul Wilkinson

This is a pure rant and thoughts that came across based on a mundane incident.

Today I met a guy at a grocery store and passed “hello” casually while buying the milk I had in my hand. I noticed the guy talking to his friend on his phone and realized he was talking Bengali. Even if he looked a little middle-eastern/Indian, I wasn’t sure initially about his origin but after hearing him speak, it was clear that he was from India. And so while I was paying my bill, I casually asked the guy if he was from Bengal and saw a grin in his face. His answer was “Are you from India ?” and so I happily said “Tamilnadu”. He replied again “I’m from Bangladesh” with a serious stare, without blinking, his grin vanishing and still cold. All I could muster was “OK” and walked away. Looking back, an incidental encounter like that should not affect me but it was still disturbing.

Why ? I ponder. Did he have to break off the conversation because I was from India ? May be he suffered in the hands of some random Indians, amongst the billion of us. Or he just hates Indians. And more specifically south Indians. Either way, I do not care. But it pains me to think how all of us, humans in general, hate each other so much and create segregations based on race, religion, land, ethnicity, faith and even ideas that we often forget the beauty of the divine unity.

Sometimes I think, the only way to bring people together is to create this all powerful ‘Alien’, a devil, that oppresses every human, immaterial of the origin or belief, all the same. Then, the hatred can be channeled on this one source and unite us as the earth race. And that is the first step to reaching universal singularity. I hope that will happen eventually because this attitude we carry is self destructive and cannot last long and will not let us live in peace. It is probably the nature of our species and a higher evolution might change the perspective. Or so I hope.

I diverged from couple of steps to light years on this post but my thoughts, hopefully come across clear. May be it is time for me to get a smart phone to type this up as when I get the thoughts rather than remembering what I came across couple of hours before.

Being a nuclear engineer by profession, it takes a lot to get through my hard skull that people are afraid of the word ‘radiation’ or anything ‘nuclear’. But when members of my family expressed a similar discomfort, I believe, the point hit home.

All of this started when I was talking home yesterday and apparently there had been a recent furore in the local newspapers there about the problems of radiation, that got my family all riled up. True that large doses can be disastrously damaging to the human tissue but we as humans are exposed to radiation every day. Take for example when you are talking on a cell phone or when you are cooking your vegetables in a microwave or when you go to a hospital and undertake a X-ray, PET or a MRI scan. They all involve some form of radiation that are bombarded on your body without you getting all paranoid about it. And of course, the ever ubiquitous cosmic rays that bombard us from space incessantly remains constant in the background. But we are still afraid of these concepts. Why ?

I now understand that if I was not scientifically oriented, I would be scared too. Ignorance translates to fear. My reasoning. May be there is a much bigger need for evangelizing the positive effects of nuclear power and make people understand what could be problems in scenarios where there is a leak from a reactor. Even the whole idea of burying nuclear waste underground, simply put, scares the living daylights out of people I know. May be more knowledge about these issues and topics should be made public.

There are always dangers. Everything has a probability for failure. But is it large enough that you in your everyday life need to care about ? Hard question but essential for removing this paranoia from the minds of the general public. Thoughts anyone ?

PS: As a piece of trivia, they actually commonly refer “Nuclear Magnetic Resonance Imaging” (NMRI) as “Magnetic Resonance Imaging” (MRI) since dropping the word Nuclear actually put people at ease. And that’s where we stand.

Like always, searching through the archives, I stumbled upon an old post over at Crackled. And the reason hence, for this post …

What is interesting about the article is that, personally, I’ve been naive enough to assume every one of those 5 fallacies at one point or another. Every time, I think I’ve learnt and think that I can’t make the same mistakes again, but a slightly different situation always brings me back to the same coal pit, without even a hint of the downfall. And that is the beauty of nature, and why you and I, have to strive constantly to work towards training the mind to understand that fooling yourself, even for your own good, is dangerous.

But, what doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger, eventually. And that is an axiom I do believe in strongly. And so we move on …

PS: I wanted to ask ‘Is common sense, common’ but considering that it is more of a cliche, I settled for the above title.

Past few years, I’ve changed my outlook towards life or rather refined would be a better way to put it and sitting alone, contemplating and meditating on how far I’ve come, still puzzles me. I want to say so many things, put forth ideas that could be useful to others but part of me does not feel like solidifying it in words. Unconsciously, the writer’s coma that I’ve been trying to wake up from has also been affecting my work and the vigor, passion seems to have fizzled a little, it seems. Now that I understand quite well what I do, it does not hold my interest as it once did. Bigger challenges await in future for sure but task unfinished grows from monotony.

Nevertheless, I’m trying to wiggle my big toe, the crud caught up in my mind, blocking my thought flow, to get going a new lease on life and realize the original priorities, to finish what I started. Abstract but clear, visible is a new beginning and an upcoming end of an old chapter.

I hope in another 4 months to finish the work and get my head around my plan for the future… Or maybe just a month of good sleep might clear my head enough to stop all this rambling.

Couple of days back, I had a panic attack. It was one of those days when nothing really goes your way, and you get frustrated at every little thing, driving you nuts, without a moment’s peace. I know, you’ve been there. This time, it was my wallet that took me to the edge. I just couldn’t find it. Its not like I completely did not remember what happened last time I used it but I remembered every time I had to use cash/card the past few days, but just couldn’t exactly place when I would have misplaced it. Of course, I went online to check my cards and there were no new charges on it. That was a relief and I eventually did find it, where it was supposed to be, albeit hidden from cursory looks.

Anyway, besides that, I started thinking whether someone would actually return the wallet back to me, if I had accidentally left it in a restaurant or a bar. I mean, if someone really had access to two credit cards, and a little cash, how honest a man/woman would you have to be to return it to the owner ? I know I would, because I spend quite a bit of time, unfortunately, looking introspectively at myself, setting rules to live by and ideals to follow through. But generally, it does raise the question on how honest people really are ?

I know quite a few people (friends and acquaintances) who would’ve called me to return the wallet but maybe my views are skewed.. I wonder what’s the probability that some completely random person would do it, considering that the economy is going down the crapper, people getting laid off, and poverty levels rising.

I believe that every person is capable of doing the socially acceptable, most moral and immoral acts, all the same, given the circumstance but would I be too naive to believe that we are capable of compassion and honesty even under dire situations ? I hope not, because that reflects on how far we’ve actually evolved.

If you were patient enough to read through this, do share your thoughts…