The Chaotic-Neutron

When I started this blog/site, I intended it to be a lot more than just personal updates. Of course, constraints on time have reduced me to doing just the opposite. And so to keep myself and my infrequent readers in the same page, I give you yet another personal update and a rant. I promise you that this will be the last in a series that have been unavoidable.

The last few weeks have gone by so fast and thinking back, I can see why. Lot of good things have happened the past month. I have officially graduated, have made progress on at least 2 journal and a conference paper and also successfully moved to Chicago without any major glitches. And that is leaving out all the juicy gory details leading to it. Time has lost its sense these days and I seem to be dreaming while I’m awake and sleeping when I’m not supposed to. Few more days of such revelry left before I start my job officially. And the impending urgency to get a car and the necessary paper work that goes with it only hastens the need for a damn license.

Enough thoughts forebearing, future unseen
Sneaks up and binds unsuspected.
In plain view the answer to my riddles,
Wilfully I keep searching incessantly.
And a simplical surd evolves. Just like that.

Yes. I am candid. And I feel obligated to post so that whoever feels desperate to know me, can understand. I figure, someone should…

Anyway, life has thrown me quite a few bumps along the past years but finally, its about time I reached my final destination. And a PhD just about defines it. Numerous has been the toil and endless the all-nighters but the prize, the reward is fulfilling. And its within a month’s grasp. On August 13th, I shall graduate officially with a PhD in Nuclear engineering with a job offer in hand. More on that later though.

I spent close to 3 months at home and it is hard to imagine a more appropriate time for that break. Am pretty sure that it will be hard to come by once I start my professional career but travel I hope will still drive me to take my mind off the beauty of math.

Lots more to say but it’ll just be wasted space… Maybe when I’m old enough, and can remember the good things, I might jot them down…

I’ve been taking my body for granted recently and all the junk food and lack of sleep finally brought it down with a flu. While the desire to finish the dissertation triumphs, the mind can barely make sense of what I read on the screen. I must have slept more than 15 hours yesterday and that brought back life in to the body. But if only I can take my mind off the nagging headache …

Can’t remember the last time I felt this miserable. Less than a month to go for D-day and everything should get better from there…

Mozart. Amadeus. Wolfgang. Beautiful. Today was his birthday apparently and I found out just before the day was over. The coincidence is that I was listening to classical pieces all day long while doing my work and lingered around the works by Mozart for no apparent reason.

May be it was the only thing that was soothing, the wreck of a mind, in confusion and anxiety of the upcoming deadline. I do not know.

But when I found out about the coincidence, the reason for my sanity still being intact today, a serene feeling of appreciation fills me. Next time I have a drink, will toast a much belated one to him.

Finally, the day came and I conquered the 26.2 miles. There was no turning back, no stopping now. No matter how many hurdles were thrown, with increasing/decreasing elevations and with beers the day before, or with sombre thoughts on finishing research, these legs are not going to wear out today. And that’s exactly what happened.

Chicago was great last year but this time, NYC marathon was a whole new experience. I never forgot the agony of the first marathon but somehow, I enjoyed it this time around and that pushed me to make a personal record (PR). In 3:54 hours (unofficially) and 4:02 (officially), I broke my previous time and have increased the confidence in my training methods. Maybe couple more marathons will prepare me a lot better, both physically and mentally to have the endurance to face what may come unexpected. Pressure is the only thing that always streamlines my mind and it is good to know, that this is still the case.

Anyway, apart from that rant, this is a shout out to all those people who showed up to cheer the runners, all those who ran along with me, and my friends who spared me the from getting too drunk the day before ! Until the next 26.2 miles, I’m out to take some rest. A triathlon does sound good right now but if only I can swim well …

Update: Got an email today with pictures of my running during the marathon. I uploaded them online. Here is the link and some images where I do look like I’m enjoying the run !!

Yes. I found out the hard way that gaining weight, the healthy way, is a lot harder than losing weight, even 30 pounds. I used to have chunks of belly just hanging out not 3 years before, part of the price I paid for the fast foods in US, and one of my friend’s machine estimated my metabolic age to be around 40. Wow, now that was an eye-opener. And from there, I just started running and now I’m in this hole which I can’t crawl out of. I’m now probably underweight.

I think losing weight healthily is probably a lot easier than people think and really, it is simple mathematics. Eat less calories and spend more. As long as the net is negative and you are patient, the fat will dissolve and losing weight is inevitable. But once you are hooked on to it, or as addicted to running as I am, it becomes hard to gain back weight healthily. The saddest part is that I eat more than twice as much as I used to when I had more weight but since my metabolism is probably in a lot better shape too, the calories don’t seem to stick around anymore.

For all of you who think I’m just gloating and making things up, really, I wish I was. With a BMI close to 19, and trying to run 25 miles/week, may be meat is the only answer, along with the ample portions of vegetables I already consume… Or maybe I should eat my lunch after a good smoke session, like old times … Anyway, if any of you (the 2 or 3 people who visit this site regularly) have suggestions, then please leave me a comment.

I usually hate when people write about the food they just ate, or the wine they just tasted, especially when micro-blogging, but some times, it is absolutely necessary, as a memoir, to capture that instant of ecstatic happiness in a hectic life cycle.

I’ve been told before that I do cook really well, dishes that I can pass off as authentically Indian, a taste even my grandma might find agreeable, but today was one of those days, where all the elements came together, when hunger met aspiration, forging the hands to create something so delicious that it was almost divine. The end result was probably far from Indian but my taste buds are merry after days of devouring tasteless fast food.

The recipe itself, simple. Rice, a curry dish with potatoes, green beans, carrots and a broiled salmon with ginger/garlic anc black pepper to accentuate the flavor. Ahhh. And of course, couple glasses of wine and some strawberries to take it to that edge. Subtle but taste transcending mortal words. Or maybe it was just a simple man’s food that I happened to have at the right night, in the perfect setting. Nevertheless, it was worth the wait …

It came by, it passed,
Like every other day, the past year has;
Memories past, of fun and frolic, linger,
Every night with friends, included.

With buddies and wine missing here
I sit solemn working on my code;
Come far I have, the past 15 years
To reach the end of another episode.

One day past, the fun does it last ?
Here comes a new day with aspirations aloft.
One more year. One more day.
and I still really don’t feel that old…

Past few years, I’ve changed my outlook towards life or rather refined would be a better way to put it and sitting alone, contemplating and meditating on how far I’ve come, still puzzles me. I want to say so many things, put forth ideas that could be useful to others but part of me does not feel like solidifying it in words. Unconsciously, the writer’s coma that I’ve been trying to wake up from has also been affecting my work and the vigor, passion seems to have fizzled a little, it seems. Now that I understand quite well what I do, it does not hold my interest as it once did. Bigger challenges await in future for sure but task unfinished grows from monotony.

Nevertheless, I’m trying to wiggle my big toe, the crud caught up in my mind, blocking my thought flow, to get going a new lease on life and realize the original priorities, to finish what I started. Abstract but clear, visible is a new beginning and an upcoming end of an old chapter.

I hope in another 4 months to finish the work and get my head around my plan for the future… Or maybe just a month of good sleep might clear my head enough to stop all this rambling.

Well, another reason to down couple more green beer and guiness pints ! This will hopefully be the last St Paddy’s I spent at College Station with my friends and so hoping to have a good time today. Also, I could use a brief vacation from work since things have been a little blue lately.

More updates later…